Author Archives: Uncle D

In a Chinese restaurant karaoke bar with no one singing, I read a headline on a muted TV: Brazilian teen offers virginity for money. I think fondly of my fullbush first time with a boy who later wrote me a poem entitled “An ass crack I hold dear”. I leave by the back door. InContinue reading “Fresh start”

June dusk bonfireSparks pop from a log, mount thermalswirlsAshlight lilting across a crepuscular meadowIndistinguishable fromcourting fireflies.Lovely, no? Newsflash: Actually, this anthropocentric framing ignores the fact that many lightning bugs burn their tiny dicks off each year, believing that the detritus of your marshmallow roast is the glowing abdomen of a potential mate. Not exactly worthyContinue reading “Newsflash”

Never one to tussle hair, what has stayed with me instead is the exquisite vulgarity of my grandfather’s curses, their vaguely Teutonic syntax. “Christ tits!” [after he put his back out varnishing a ceiling fan]“Cunt slapper!” [while hurling a subpar lasagna into the kitchen sink] In current nomenclature, “Alcohol use disorder”.In the family dialect, “HeContinue reading “Papa”

A child’s mirthful whoop slaloms into earshot. The panhandler looks up from her crossword, shakes her head as they careen by, father and son. “How’d you end up in a wheelchair?”“My father was giving me a ride on his wheelchair.”

Today, they let me climb all over a glacier while peeling an orange.So sometime soon, I reckon, I’ll be getting my balls waxed on the moonwhile marveling at how well nut milk froths in zero gravity. *** Some hippies in a river the colour of a novelty shot.“God has a head injury and the auroraContinue reading “Banff”

I would have venerated her just for her limericks about the Holy Ghost. But then not decaying per the standard rot/time curve?You have to admire her range. Slight quibble with the origin story, though:What was up with her consoeurs popping the pine topand oogling Wilhelmina’s mortal remains?Exhumation for an upgrade to a cubby in theContinue reading “Incorruptible Wilhelmina”

Even sewer water sparkles under the sunEven wrens grow sick of beignets Big Chief Beef chartered a barge to swirl icing sugarinto the river(Fistfight at a biology conference over whether the fish got diabetes) They called it the Fudgetown Massacre.

The sun lunged into the waterLike a spaniel bred to retrieve whalesBrief tangerine smudge then nightfall. Later,in the motel roomI rinse salt out of your bathing suit in the sinkLay out a picnic on the microbiome of the bedspread. Later, laterI go for a dip in you.

You might wonder where Glen got his magical turtle*. It started with his brain operation. Glen had a parasite in his brain and had it removed in a private hospital with many luxury amenities. His room, for example, had a fireplace and cable TV. He had a private nurse who had access to a fridgeContinue reading “True story #1”

-Jogging in jeans -Vaping on the moon -Jerking off in yurts -Screaming at my wife while we ride a tandem bike